Have you ever dreaded Monday morning? Stupid question? Maybe. Ever since our trip to Michigan, I've been dreaming of being a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, I know that I'm home every day and all day. I'm very aware of that. But Monday thru Friday other little ones come into my home and I'm on alert all day to make sure nothing happens to them and that they are cared for well. I've been spiralling downward in this thought process and even trying to figure out how I can not work at home in this way. It's been getting worse and worse.
One of the mothers was talking with me yesterday and sharing about being pregnant etc. Come to find out (horror of horrors) neither of us really enjoyed being pregnant even though we weren't super ill. Also I was relating my panic attacks pre-delivery and the fact that people would tell me, "Oh this is your fourth. It'll be a breeze." I told her that my thought was "I would love to have more kids, just drop them on my doorstep."
"Oh," she replied, "well then this job is perfect for you." I shook my head, "I don't really like this job." The look of shock surprised me. I think most people think I adore babies and the care of them, and that all I want to do is sit and play with them. I don't and I'm not that person. I rarely spend time to play with my kids, they have each other for that, right? I mean why else did I have so many?
I prefer to be left alone and don't bother me with your problems. That is super selfish, but some days it's totally reality.
I'm really working on that. While we were watching a movie last night, I stopped to look at my little ones and nuzzle the baby (he's four) in the neck. He giggled and it did my heart good. I reached over and touched my little girl's face. She smiled and looked over at me. I said, "I love you." She said, "I know." Does she really? I mean I say it often but does she know?
So after the mom left, I spent some time thinking about what if I had that perfect job. I'd been thinking using my secretary skills would be more fun, or even cleaning like I used to. Ah, then I would be happy. I certainly do remember those days and I did NOT like Mondays anymore than I do now.
So what don't I like about what I'm doing now. Hmm, let's see. Radar being on high all day from 8 to 5. Now, as I think about it why is it a bad thing? The mom told me that she wouldn't want me to treat her child any differently than I do my own, but if my radar is up when I have other kids (and I think it should be) should it not be up when it's just my own? Maybe not to the same degree - I don't have an almost one-year old who is walking in my home, but somewhat. I should be looking for opportunities to teach my children how to behave properly with one another.
Another thing is always being on the look out for a scrap of paper or popcorn on the floor. One year olds love putting things in their mouths. And that's bad because??? Yes, it is harder, but we all love having things picked up and neat.
The schedule that's required to make sure chores get done and consistency that comes with that? Yeah, that discipline is something that I desire in my own life and in my children's lives.
So as I thought about my conversation with her, I also went back to why I'm doing this job. So that I could stay home with my kids. Yep. Another good thing. Now, I'm realizing that this IS the perfect job, and it's not out there somewhere just waiting for me. It's here in my house caring for others' children because then I do a better job caring for my own. Not because I love children and adore them and love spending time with them, but because this is what God has called me to do today. He's called me to a position that brings my selfishness before my eyes on a daily basis almost. And yes, despite how much I dislike having it brought up, I want that self eradicated.
The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Because when you get to the other side, this grass will be greener.
Hope that wasn't too candid for you, just some things I'm working through. I think maybe I'll be more ready for Mondays for awhile, (oh, I don't know about excited :), but ready). That is, until I forget. But hopefully, my forgetter won't work for awhile.
Because His ways are higher,